A New Blog?????

OK, I am thinking of creating a new blog (in addition to this one). One that is totally anonymous (a couple people know who I am and read this blog). One just on food, diet, issues and the like. I know that everyone and their brother has a blog like that....but I dont really care. It is not necessarily for people to read, but for me to write. I really feel like I have to focus just on that for a while.

I was inspired by a really great blog I saw - maybe you saw it on CNN: http://www.344pounds.com/











Check our the blog...it is pretty cool.

I know these things:
I am addicted to food
I have tried for most my life to deal with it and can't
I now weight over 250#
My well-being is affected by my weight
I have let myself go, terribly

I don't even know if I can actually do anything that will be successful...but not doing anything isn't getting me anywhere.

So, anyone else out there have an anonymous food blog? does it help?

Would love to hear about it.
Jane

post-holiday....

Well, it's been a while. I haven't posted because of my own perfectionism: wanting posts to be informative, well-thought out, entertaining (i.e., perfect). So, today I am just regurgitating in type. What the hell.

I am so tired. I am sure I could crawl in bed and sleep for a week. I was doing well and then over-did it with the holidays. Now, we had a NICE holiday; some awesome food (courtesy of yours truly). The kids had a blast, baked for days and gave away cookies & bars, we had family over for three different (and amazing) dinners, did the whole nine yards. I don't regret it. But now I am so worn down and sore, I don't know how to get through the day.

When I am like this, I feel so out of control. Not the "out of control" where I am acting crazy, doing crazy and risky things....more like the feeling of driving a car with the accelerator stuck and the car is gaining speed. I feel inept to handle the day-to-day aspects of life: taking care of the baby, the kids, the house, the dogs, and so on.

I sleep as often as I am allowed (when the baby is napping and the kids are at school). But, it seems it is taking a while to recharge my batteries. I guess it is just one more level of acceptance: that I am not the person I used to be and I cannot do the things I used to do.

I guess I should be grateful for the things I can do, because I am more fortunate than lots of people with FM or CFS. But it is still a tough pill to swallow. I feel like a half of a person.

Some days I feel like this....

Do you take enough pills to feel like this? I do. In order to get well, I take prescription meds as well as lots of vitamins and supplements. To tell the truth, I take about 40-45 pills a day...mostly supplements, but probably too many prescription meds...but you know what, I need most of them desperately.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell happened to my body to have broken down like this in my mid-forties. I am better then I was this time last year, and much better than I was this time two years ago. I am beginning to think I will never *be* well, but always *getting* well. And, that sucks!

I don't have the discipline to eat perfectly, exercise regularly, and take care of myself ultimately. Frankly, I wonder how people do it. Most days I barely can make it out of bed to get the kids to school. I push myself through the day. Now I make it through, now, better than I used to...but I am so sick of myself! I am so tired of being tired and unproductive (actually, I am probably more productive than lots of people, but I feel like I am working, still, at 1/2 or 1/4 speed anymore).

Oh, the whines of middle-age...that is probably what this is...

I wish I had written this, but it is a reposting....

A LETTER TO THE HEALTHY WORLD FROM THE LAND OF CHRONIC PAIN AND FATIGUE

If you were born with healthy genes, you may know me but you don't understand me. I was not as lucky as you. I inherited the predisposition to chronic pain, fatigue and forgetfulness. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (FMS) after months, years or even decades of mysterious physical and emotional problems. Because you didn't know how sick I was, you called me lazy, a malingerer, or simply ridiculous. If you have the time to read on, I would like to help you understand how different I am from you.

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME AND FIBROMYALGIA:

1. My pain - My pain is not your pain. It is not caused by inflammation. Taking your arthritis medication will not help me. I can not work my pain out or shake it off. It is not even a pain that stays put. Today it is in my shoulder, but tomorrow it may be in my foot or gone. My pain is believed to be caused by improper signals sent to the brain, possibly due to sleep disorders. It is not well understood, but it is real.

2. My fatigue - I am not merely tired. I am often in a severe state of exhaustion. I may want to participate in physical activities, but I can't. Please do not take this personally. If you saw me shopping in the mall yesterday, but I can't help you with yard work today, it isn't because I don't want to. I am, most likely, paying the price for stressing my muscles beyond their capability.

3. My forgetfulness - Those of us who suffer from it call it fibrofog. I may not remember your name, but I do remember you. I may not remember what I promised to do for you, even though you told me just seconds ago. My problem has nothing to do with my age but may be related to sleep deprivation. I do not have a selective memory. On some days, I just don't have any short-term memory at all.

4. My clumsiness - If I step on your toes or run into you five times in a crowd, I am not purposely targeting you. I do not have the muscle control for that. If you are behind me on the stairs, please be patient. These days, I take life and stairwells one step at a time.

5. My sensitivities - I just can't stand it! "It" could be any number of things: bright sunlight, loud or high-pitched noises, odors. FMS has been called the "aggravating everything disorder." So don't make me open the drapes or listen to your child scream. I really can't stand it.

6. My intolerance - I can't stand heat, either. Or humidity. If I am a man, I sweat...profusely. If I am a lady, I perspire. Both are equally embarrassing, so please don't feel compelled to point this shortcoming out to me. I know. And don't be surprised if I shake uncontrollably when it's cold. I don't tolerate cold, either. My internal thermostat is broken, and nobody knows how to fix it.

7. My depression - Yes, there are days when I would rather stay in bed or in the house or die. I have lost count of how many of Dr. Kevorkian's patients suffered from FMS as well as other related illnesses. Severe, unrelenting pain can cause depression. Your sincere concern and understanding can pull me back from the brink. Your snide remarks can tip me over the edge.

8. My stress - My body does not handle stress well. If I have to give up my job, work part time, or handle my responsibilities from home, I'm not lazy. Everyday stresses make my symptoms worse and can incapacitate me completely.

9. My weight - I may be fat or I may be skinny. Either way, it is not by choice. My body is not your body. My appestat is broken, and nobody can tell me how to fix it.

10. My need for therapy - If I get a massage every week, don't envy me. My massage is not your massage. Consider how a massage would feel if that charley horse you had in your leg last week was all over your body. Massaging it out was very painful, but it had to be done. My body is knot-filled. If I can stand the pain, regular massage can help, at least temporarily.

11. My good days - If you see me smiling and functioning normally, don't assume I am well. I suffer from a chronic pain and fatigue illness with no cure. I can have my good days or weeks or even months. In fact, the good days are what keeps me going.

12. My uniqueness - Even those who suffer from FMS are not alike. That means I may not have all of the problems mentioned above. I do have pain above and below the waist and on both sides of my body which has lasted for a very long time. I may have migraines or hip pain or shoulder pain or knee pain, but I do not have exactly the same pain as anyone else.

I hope that this helps you understand me, but if you still doubt my pain, your local bookstore, library and the internet have many good books and articles on fibromyalgia. Author's note: This letter is based on communications with people throughout the world, males and females, who suffer from fibromyalgia. It does not represent any one of the over 10,000,000 people with FMS, but it can help the healthy person understand how devastating this illness can be. Please do not take these people and their pain lightly. You wouldn't want to spend even a day in their shoes... or their bodies.

to purchase this (as well as many other) fibro t-shirts, visit this site

Saturday in the park
recorded by Chicago (appropriate, no?)

I think it was the Fourth of July
Saturday in the park
I think it was the Fourth of July
People dancing, people laughing
A man selling ice cream
Singing Italian songs
Eicay vare, eise narde
Can you dig it (yes, I can)
And I've been waiting such a long time
For Saturday

Another day in the park
I think it was the Fourth of July
Another day in the park
I think it was the Fourth of July
People talking, really smiling
A man playing guitar
Singing for us all
Will you help him change the world
Can you dig it (yes, I can)
And I've been waiting such a long time
For today

Slow motion riders fly the colors of the day
A bronze man still can tell stories his own way
Listen children all is not lost
All is not lost
Oh no, no

Forty days in the park
Every day's the Fourth of July
Forty days in the park
Every day's the Fourth of July
People reaching, people touching
A real celebration
Waiting for us all
If we want it, really want it
Can you dig it (yes, I can)
And I've been waiting such a long time
For the day...

US does not support or help sustain families/children

OK, my posts are getting increasingly political (and awful soapbox-ey). But, so is all the other rhetoric in the country. When in Rome.... (oh, bad metaphor).

The following article motivated this post:

Parents Press for Autism Insurance Coverage

OK, I have been called a socialist before...and maybe I am. But I have my own opinions and ideas about raising children with disabilities (as I have had lots of experience with the sacrifices of that role).

I think we can insist on insurance covering autism all we want. I don't think succeeding in passing such bills is really going to help parents of autistic children that much. It is not just insurance coverage that is the problem. It is the governments utter lack of support for families, especially families with disabled children.

Much like many families with disabled children, we are in a financial shit-hole. I cannot work. That is mainly due to having two young sons with disabilities and only partially due to my own health issues. So, we only have one income. While my husband makes a rather good income in this state, our house payment is about 45% of his income. There are utilities, insurance, and other expenses before we even talk about credit card debt and groceries (one of our children is on a very special diet due to medical issues...food for him is not cheap)!

We are in the red every month. We are actually making pretty good progress on our Dave Ramsey program and have paid off a number of smaller credit cards but we have an amazingly long way to go! Additionally, we both have HUGE (and I mean HUGE!) student loans still in deferment and (at least my husband's) will be out of deferment soon. But, financially, we are the working poor.

Then there is gas. I drive up & down the state to give our kids treatment. Our younger son has had 2 surgeries in 3 weeks at Shiner's upstate...I cant even count the number of appointments we have had in the past couple months. Both the boys have speech therapy once a week, and one child has OT. There is a center for speech and occupational therapy in our town, but it is inundated with kids and we have been on the waiting list for almost a year with not even an assessment. So, we have to travel to another county ("downstate") to get ST & OT.

I attend a multitude of meetings at school. In fact, while we are waiting for a one-to-one aide for my youngest (currently in a wheel chair), I get to go to kindergarten with him if I want him to be able to attend school. My son with autism requires a constant communication and on-going team meetings with the school as well. When your child has autism, seldom can you get a whole plan for the year set, have everyone follow it, or, even have it actually work for the child all year long. It is all about adapting.

The toll this takes on parents and on a family is immeasurable. The added stress of constantly worring you are going to lose your home, car, or ability to feed your children is absolutely unbelievable, and no parent should have to go through that.

Some countries have a monthly subsidy for parents who stay home with their young children...even if they are NOT disabled. Additionally, these countries often increase that subsidy for parents of disabled children.

For all the moaning and preaching (mainly from conservatives) that one of the main problem with children nowadays is that they don't have a parent at home, that they are in daycare for too long and too early, that (god forbid) mom works as well as dad...etc etc, one would think that there would be some sort of solution to that problem proposed. But, no one that I have heard, in their infinte wisdom of childrearing, has given a solution other than bite that financial bullet & just let your spouse (read husband) work. Well, in today's financial crises how is that possible??

Unfortunately, most parents with children at home who have disabilities are too busy (and sleep deprived) to lobby Washington...and hey, kids can't even vote! So, why worry about them?

Powell on McCain, Obama....and Palin

"I think we need a transformational figure. I think we need a president who is a generational change and that's why I'm supporting Barack Obama, not out of any lack of respect or admiration for Sen. John McCain." former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Colin Powell....

Powell expressed disappointment in the negative tone of McCain's campaign, his choice of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as a running mate and McCain's and Palin's decision to focus in the closing weeks of the contest on Obama's ties to 1960s-era radical William Ayers. A co-founder of the Weather Underground, which claimed responsibility for nonfatal bombings during the Vietnam War-era, Ayers is now a college professor who lives in Obama's Chicago neighborhood. He and Obama also served together on civic boards in Chicago...

Powell said McCain's choice of Palin raised questions about judgment.

"I don't believe she's ready to be president of the United States," Powell said.... [my comment: shudder ]

Powell said he remains a Republican, even though he sees the party moving too far to the right. Powell supports abortion rights and affirmative action, and said McCain and Palin, both opponents of abortion, could put two more conservative justices on the Supreme Court.

"I would have difficulty with two more conservative appointments to the Supreme Court, but that's what we'd be looking at in a McCain administration," Powell said....

"In the case of Mr. McCain I found that he was a little unsure as to how to deal with the economic problems that we were having," Powell said. "Almost everyday there was a different approach to the problem and that concerned me, sensing that he doesn't have a complete grasp of the economic problems that we had."

Read the whole article

Also see: Why Sarah Palin is a Dangerous Woman (great, Whoopi blog post)